When it all blows up, and in the newspaper business it seems like that will be sooner rather than later, I have yet another future job in mind: Nashville woo girl chauffeur.
Those playing along at home may recall last week’s column in which I pitched the Country Music Hall of Fame an offer to become chief tour guide, leading folks around the hallowed halls, offering up information I have somehow retained from a life spent idolizing and emulating my honky-tonk heroes.
As of deadline, I have heard nothing back.
But while in Music City visiting the hall and staying downtown in the heart of Nashville, I did happen upon another profession that wouldn’t be bad, the aforementioned Nashville woo girl chauffeur.
First, let’s define woo girl.
According to the Urban Dictionary, a woo girl is “usually spotted by shouting ‘WOO’ whenever (a.) drinking shots, (b.) ordering another round of drinks, (c.) shouting at pedestrians while travelling, (d.) entering or leaving a club or bar, and (e.) most notable when gathered in groups for bachelorette parties surrounded by toys resembling male genitalia.”
People are also reading…
And why is Nashville a destination for woo girls?
“...there are those that would argue that Nashville has created a reputation centered around getaways and bachelorette trips,” reads a story from WKRN.com. “ The entertainment vehicles are the main attraction, promising a ‘Honky Tonk’ good time.”
And what are those entertainment vehicles?
I saw school buses, military trucks and fire engines converted into mobile dance stages, enclosed in plastic or glass in what resembled greenhouses full of blossoming beauties fueled by adult slushies and ear-splitting hip-hop.
There were even John Deere tractors pulling wagon-loads of third generation Hee-Haw honeys right down Music Row.
And do you know what they said as they passed me by on the street corner, toasting in my general direction with red Solo cups?
Each woo girl party vehicle had 10 to 20 woo girls in matching T-shirts and hats, dancing on the platforms and trying not to fall down when the vehicle accelerated as the traffic lights changed.
After a few passed me by, I started to turn around and shake my booty at them, because if there is anything woo girls like, it’s old man street corner booty shaking.
I got lots of “woos.”
So, I am currently in the market for an old school bus, which I plan to cut down and turn into a rolling glass-enclosed dance platform for woo girls to enjoy themselves in downtown Nashville.
I’m working on my woo girl chauffeur microphone chatter:
“Welcome ladies, I am your driver for the day, Scotty 2 Hotty and I am at your service as we drive aimlessly around Nashville in a bus I bought at a government auction and turned into this party barge!
“Who are we waiting on? Brandi? Someone text Brandi because we are already 8 minutes behind schedule.
“Just a few rules before we start. If you see an old man shaking his booty on the street corner, make sure to give him a big ‘woo!’ It’s a huge ego boost at his age. Also, if you need to use the restroom, please do that now before we start because our bus has been banned from the Johnny Cash Museum.
“Seriously, what is keeping Brandi? Crystal, Autumn! Someone check on Brandi because we are way off schedule. We’ve been lapped twice by the John Deere tractor and the wagon-load of bridesmaids from Kentucky.”
So, when visiting Nashville in the very near future, be sure to book Scott’s Woo Girl Party Barge. Ten percent off with this coupon. *Coupon not valid in the continental United States and void where prohibited.”
Scott Hollifield is editor of The McDowell News in Marion, NC and a humor columnist. Contact him at email@example.com.